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Some TMNT stuff really isn't for little kids. |
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DAIRY LAND 2% MILK CHEEZ [...] Mondo Gecko "Late-night post-battle munchies? Me too, dude." Herman the Hermit Crab "Hmm." Mondo "Hey... You all right there, my man?" Herman "What? Oh. Mondo. Yes, I'm fine." Herman "I'm just... Never sure what to do with myself, off-duty." Herman "I live on the battlefield, and need to learn how to unwind during R&R." Herman "You seem to have no such problem." Mondo "Ha. Yeah, bro. I kinda of made a little deal with myself: I'll do everything I can to help Hob, and fight for the cause, and all that righteous noise." Mondo "But the rest of the time? I'll do everything I can to relax, and just not think about it." Mondo "Especially tonight. Losing Lindsey was such a bummer. And that Mutagen Man..." Mondo "I know this isn't very nice, but that dude really creeps me out. He seems pretty... Damaged, you know?" Herman "He's just lost, Mondo. He needs someone to point him back in the right direction." Herman "We have no idea what they did to him in that lab..." |
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"...Or who they even are." Null "Did you know that it only takes eight pounds of pressure per square inch to crack a human skull?" Lindsey Baker "I... I did not know that. But I'm certainly not surprised." Null "Of course not. As a scientist, you understand the fundamental weakness of your species." Jillian Amante "Lindsey understands, like, everything? She's the most brilliant scientist I've ever met, Madame Null. Especially in the field of mutagen research." Null "If that's true, then why would I still need you?" Jillian "Because... Because you can't trust her!" Jillian "Not without me around to keep things on track." Null "Well, Ms. Baker? Can I trust you?" Lindsey "Of course not. We just met. And you can never trust anybody you don't know." |
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Null "Hmm. That's true. Yet another weakness of the human race." Lindsey "With all due respect, ma'am... This is a very strange conversation. Jillian led me to believe that I was here to talk about a job." Null "That's what we are talking about, Ms. Baker. A job that involves probing the limits of human ability, and replacing it with something better." Null "But you're just here for the science. Isn't that right?" Null "The chance to break new ground in your field, backed by an obscene budget and a top-flight facility." Lindsey "I think we understand each other." Null "Good. I'll call human resources, and we can start your orientation immediately." Lindsey "I—I haven't said yes to the job, yet." Null "Hmm. Jillian didn't mention that you're funny." Null "I certainly hope you're worth the trouble. "Recruiting" you caused significant damage to our main laboratory." Jillian "Don't worry, Lindsey. Clean-up is already underway. And we've increased security..." |
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"...A bit." Old Hob "Well... Crap." Hob "No way we can break back in. Not just the two of us." Slash "So we get the rest of the team, and come back. This was just reconnaissance." Hob "Nah. If they ramped up security this much, who knows what else they're planning." Hob "We need to find out how many other mutants they have, and where they are. Before it's too late." Slash "I want to help those mutants, too. But we can't just rush in guns blazing, without a plan." Hob "All right. Follow me, Slash." Hob "You want a plan? I got us a plan." |
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Herman "Mutagen Man! Good morning, soldier." Mutagen Man "I'm sorry. I woke up, and there was no one there to tell me what to do. So I left my room." Mutagen Man "I... I hope that's okay." Herman "Of course! Apologies for not checking on you sooner." Herman "I'm just inspecting our arms. One of my daily duties as the self-appointed quartermaster for our little group." Herman "It's important to keep mind and body busy. Isn't that right?" Mutagen Man "The scientists at the lab kept me very busy. But now..." Mutagen Man "...What should I... Please tell me what I should do, now." Mondo "You can do whatever you want, bro. But I think you should start by coming over here and playing a little Dragon Wagon!" |
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Mutagen Man "I don't understand the purpose of this. Is it a test? An experiment?" Mondo "It's a game. You know, for fun? Haven't you ever..." Mondo "Never mind, Mutagen Man." Mondo "Okay, I've gotta say something. Just gotta be totally honest, I feel super weird calling you "Mutagen Man." Don't you have, like, a normal name?" Mutagen Man "No. I've never needed one." Mondo "All right. In that case, I'm gonna call you... Seymour Gutz." Mondo "Do you know why?" Mutagen Man "No." Mondo "Because when I look at you, I can see more guts!" Mutagen Man "I still don't know why..." Mutagen Man "...Oh!" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Mutagen Man " "See more guts." That's very humorous!" Mondo "That's the first time I've ever heard you laugh, bro." Mutagen Man "It's..." Mutagen Man "...It's the first time I ever have." |
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Hob "Ha! You hear that, Slash? It's "complicated." I think he's calling us a couple of dummies." Slash "We're pretty smart guys. We'll do our best to keep up." Hob "...Well? Keep talkin'?" Scientist "Null... Null is obsessed with "eliminating human weakness." " Scientist "Our work stems from a belief that human workers are fragile. Cowardly. Inefficient. They're a liability to their employer." Scientist "Our division is working to create mutant hybrids. Developing the perfect creature for any occupation." Hob "What's the point of making a hybrid mutant? A regular mutant is already stronger than a human. They could do any job just fine." Slash "But they want more than fine." Slash "A mutant bat in your coal mines is good. But a mutant with the DNA of a bat, an ant, and a gorilla?" Scientist "Exactly! We're targeting the world's most dangerous jobs, at first. Miners. Oilmen. Deep-sea fishermen." Scientist "But eventually, the entire labor force, filled by the perfect worker. Made even more perfect by the fact that they'll have no salary. No benefits. No rights." Scientist "We'll control the world's economy. And as our CEO always says, if you control the world's economy... You control the world." Scientist "It's an insane plan, by insane people." Hob "People like you?" Scientist "Me? No." Scientist "I'm just a guy with a mortgage." |
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Hob "Hey. I don't really care about the Null Group's business plan." Hob "I want to know where the rest of the mutants are." Scientist "What?" Hob "The rest of the mutants in that lab." Hob "You expect me to believe that you used all that space for one experiment? No." Scientist "There were supposed to be more. But we... We couldn't perfect the process. Jillian—Dr. Amante—she tried, but the result were... Horrible." Scientist "They were failed experiments. Most of them died. Or we put them down." Scientist "There are only two left, besides the one you rescued." Hob "Two left..." Hob "Two?!" |
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Hob "Where are they?" Scientist "I can't tell you that! They would kill me. You don't know who you're dealing with." Hob "I know exactly who I'm dealing with. Butchers and madmen. People who "put down" any mutant that ain't up to their standards." Hob "But if you ain't gonna answer my questions?" Hob "Fine." Hob "There's more than one way to skin a human. And I'd love to try 'em all." Slash "This is not what we do!" Hob "It's what I do, Slash." Hob "Bow step outta the way, and let me skin this little dweeb alive until he tells me where I can find those other—" Scientist "They're at the train yard!" |
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Scientist "The mutants are being held in a train yard, in northern New Jersey." Scientist "A property owned by the Null Group's utilities division." Scientist "They're going to be transported soon." Scientist "That's all I know! I swear to you, that's all I know." Hob "See? I knew what I was doing." Hob "And don't worry, buddy." Hob "I'm not gonna slice you apart, after all." Slash "No!" Hob "Fine. Just make sure he's wrapped up tight." |
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Hob "Gather up, everybody! Slash, I need you to check property records, find out where this train yard is." Slash "What's the plan once we get there?" Hob "Find the other mutants and bring them the hell back." Slash "And kill anyone who gets in our way?" Hob "Sure." Slash "Hob... We shouldn't be using violence as a first resort. You need to think things through." Hob "Stop. I've heard it all before, Slash. But there's a reason why I'm the leader, and—" Slash "So lead us. But remember that we're supposed to be heroes. Like Michelangelo, and the rest of the turtles." Slash "So let's act like heroes. And not like a bunch of terrorists." Hob "Terrorists? How dare you call me—" Hob "—How dare you call me a terrorist. I'm just doing what I have to do." Hob "Do you remember what they did to us at StockGen? Do you remember being experimented on? Being tested? Being tortured? Every damn day?" |
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Slash "Of course I do. And I went through all of that a lot longer than you did, Hob." Hob "Exactly! So you of all people should understand." Slash "But it's over now. And if we resort to those same tactics—" Hob "Over? Not for him, it ain't! And not for the other mutants that the Null Group still has locked away in that rail yard." Hob "You don't like my tactics? Tough." Hob "Because I'll say anything, do anything, sacrifice anything, to make sure that no mutant ever has to go through that again." Slash "I'm not saying we shouldn't help them. But we have to do it the right way. Otherwise we're no better than the people who—" Hob "Enough!" Hob "Just because you ain't an imbecile anymore, that don't mean you know everything." |
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Hob "Listen, Mutagen Man. You don't need to come along with us." Hob "If you ain't ready for this kind of field work, no one's gonna judge you." Seymour Gutz (Mutagen Man) "I heard what you said in there. And you're right. It's not over." Seymour "The scientists kept me in isolation. I never met any of the other mutants they had, but if they're out there, I want to help them. I don't know what I can do. But I want to do something." Seymour "Oh, and my name isn't Mutagen Man, sir." Seymour "It's Seymour. Seymour Gutz." Hob "Uhm... Okay?" |
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RAIL YARD Hob "All right... We'll stay together until we find the mutants. Let's all watch each other's backs, and—" BLAM Mondo "We're under attack! Someone is shooting out our tires!" Pigeon Pete "Or it could be fireworks!" Hob "It ain't fireworks, Pete." Slash "I knew we weren't properly prepared for this mission." Hob "Not the damned time, Slash!" |
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Hob "This way!" Security Guard "Null Security forces, hold your fire!" Herman "Sir! I believe we've been led into a trap, sir." |
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Null "What a clever crustacean you have there." Seymour "Oh, no. It's her. It's Null!" Null "Yes, it's me, Mutagen Man." Null "Thank you so much for coming back to us. And for bringing along these mighty mutants who have been causing me so much trouble." Null "If I can offer a professional tip?" Null "The next time you torture a scientist for information, make sure you ask him to keep it a secret." Seymour "I was wrong. There's nothing I can do to help." Seymour "Now they're going to take me back. They're going to take me back to the lab." Hob "No..." Hob "...They ain't." BLAM |
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BLAM BLAM BLAM Hob "Huh. I gotta admit, I kind of expected more of a reaction from you fellas." Hob "What with killin' your boss and all." Null "Wrong, you stupid cat. You can't kill me." Null "But that hurt like hell." Null "Take them!" Security Guard "Neutralize the crab, first!" |
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Herman "Sir, I'm blind, sir!" Herman "I cannot provide artillery support!" Hob "Get to safety, Herman! We can—" Hob "—Yrreagh!" Pete "Hob!" |
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Seymour "Please... Please make this stop. Please make this..." Slash "You can keep it coming, but we're never going to stop fighting!" Hob "No, Slash! If you can run... Run!" Hob "Someone needs to escape." Hob "Someone needs to rescue us..." |
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"...And the others." Sally Pride "What's going on out there?" Man Ray "A conflagration of some sort, Sally." Sally "Yeah, Ray... I figured that much out on my own." Sally "If someone's fighting Null, shouldn't we be trying to help them out? The enemy of our enemy, and all that?" Ray "How? We're in a cage, Sally." Ray "We do what we always do. Wait. Strategize. Strike when the time is right." Sally "But we never get to that last part, do we?" |
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Sally "Mutants." |
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Slash "Mondo. I'm glad you made it out." Slash "We need to get them back. Hob and the rest of them." Mondo "How? That Null lady, she's completely crazy, bro! She's a crazy person with an army." Mondo "And what are we? Just two dudes. We don't have the van. We don't have our team. What are we gonna do, man? What are we gonna do?" Slash "What are we gonna do? We're gonna do what we're supposed to do." Slash "We're gonna be good guys. We're gonna be heroes." Slash "We're gonna be the Mighty Mutanimals!" Mondo "...Ow." |